Top 50 Jokes of All Time

40. I said to this train driver: "I want to go to Paris." He said: "Eurostar?" I said: "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."

39. My phone will ring at 2am and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I say, "I don't know. If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone."

38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.

37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts". Well, YES. That's what I bought them for. You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out.

36. I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.

35. I went down to my local supermarket and I said: "I want to make a complaint. This vinegar's got lumps in it". He said: "Those are pickled onions."

34. A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.

33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

32. Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: "Oi - get out. We don't want your type in here."

31. I'm in a Chinese restaurant and this duck comes up with a red rose and says: "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said: "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck."