A chemist, an engineer and an economist are stranded on a deserted island.
They carry with them some canned food but have no ordinary means of opening the cans.
The chemist suggests gathering some wood and starting a fire and then holding the cans over the heat, counting on the expanding contents to burst open the cans.
The engineer thinks it would be better to try smashing the cans open with some of the rocks lying around.
The economist begins, "Assume we had a can opener..."
A man was lying on his death bed, his wife at his side.
In a very thin voice he said: "Darling I want to die with a clear conscience"
The wife replied: "Be quiet dear, just relax"
"But darling I'm so sorry, I've been lying to you, I did have that affair 18 months ago." said the dying man.
The wife replied:
The tee is set 1,410 feet above the green on Hanglip Mountain. From the base of the mountain to the back of the green is 1,312 feet. In golf terms, that's a 437-yard par-3, with a vertical drop of 470 yards. Without getting all geeked out, as this insane shot relates to the laws of physics and how the ball will travel on quite an extreme arc, it plays about 260-270 yards due to the vertical drop.
Round of 18 including lunch: $70 per player
Extreme 19th per foursome: $1,060
That extreme price does come with a few perks. Players get a helicopter ride to the tee and back down after hitting, a souvenir cap and glove, and a DVD of their play on the hole.
The coolest part: Each player is given six balls with tracking devices, since losing sight of a ball hit from 1,410 feet up is pretty likely.
There's a prize worth over $1 million for any player that makes a hole in one. The money has yet to be claimed. Eight players, however, have made birdies, and 96 pars have been recorded — including many professional golfers. Harrington was the first person to make a 3, back in 2008.
The highest recorded score, according to the course's website, is a 23. And there are hundreds of other players whose scores say "NR." We assume that's short for "Way too many to count."
"It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Steve. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Edith. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Edith to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too (with an ounce or two of rum).
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Edith. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other."
Steve died suddenly on January 17th of a perforated rectum.. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Edith was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
From JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy..
Australia and New Zealand, meanwhile, have raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
British writer, actor and tall person
And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
The seven Dwarfs moved to Western Australia and started working in a mine. Snow White did all the housework and cooked lunch for them every day.
But yesterday when she took their lunch to the mine she finds that there has been a huge explosion and the mine has collapsed. She's screaming and yelling out "can anyone hear me!"
She hears someone call out - ˜Australia will win the Bledisloe cup".
Once upon a time a man was sent to the store for a ham.
After he bought it, his wife asked him why he didn't have the butcher cut off the end of the ham.
"But why do you want to cut the end of the ham off?", he asked. She replied that her mother had always done it that way and that was reason enough for her.
Since the wife's mother was visiting, they asked her why she always cut off the end of the ham. Mother replied that this was the way her mother did it.
Mother, daughter and husband then decided to call grandmother and solve this three-generation mystery.
A doctor was at the club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang. It was another doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The golfer told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he’d be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all 18. He finished his round, shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.
He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw his wife’s doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife’s condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted: "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn’t you? I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU. It’s just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care. And you’ll be her care giver!”
The husband was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started to snicker and said: “Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What’d you shoot?”
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing Dad for a bitcoin for Christmas.
$14,354 is a lot of money!
What do you need $16,782 for anyway?”
A devout Muslim hopped into a taxi.
He rudely told the cab driver to turn off the radio as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the Infidel.
The Cab driver switched off the radio, stopped the Cab, opened the door.
The Muslim asked him "What are you doing?"
The Cabbie answered "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so you'd better wait for a camel!"